Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.