me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
best review i’ve ever seen
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.