Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

😂😂

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

How to get me to like you:

Be pajamas.

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.