Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me: