me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.