Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

COVID-19: …

Alpha Variant: …

Delta Variant: …

Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!