Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.