Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

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Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.


ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.


[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired


Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.


Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.


My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.


In my 32 years this is what I’ve learned about women:

1.) “No” means no

2.) “Maybe” means no

3.) “Yes” means maybe


Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”


*sees Arnold Schwarzenegger working at Walmart*
“hey Arnold, kitchen appliances are toward the back of aisle B right?”