Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
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During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.