Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.

me after i passed that state trooper

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

No point crayon over spilled milk.

What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.