Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
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*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”