Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

[speed dating, today]

him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!

*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?

Steve: what?

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.

The office holiday party is next week.

Coincidence?

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.