Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
me after eating Cheetos
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
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We got caught Brian, just act normal..
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda