Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
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I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
#Caturday
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.