Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
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Beards are a privilege, not a right
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools