Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

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My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident


There was a girl pushing an suv this morning while the guy steered. Feminists everywhere must be scissoring in victory.


A guy once told me life’s too short to stress, but it turned out that life’s much shorter for people who give advice to stressed out people.


me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*


Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.


4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.


Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later