My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I’m about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident
Me: Will you marry me?
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
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Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
There was a girl pushing an suv this morning while the guy steered. Feminists everywhere must be scissoring in victory.
A guy once told me life’s too short to stress, but it turned out that life’s much shorter for people who give advice to stressed out people.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Are Smurfs just a bunch of midget Avatars? #yeahimhigh
I wonder how long it takes a giraffe to throw up?
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later