Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
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Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
yeah no that’s fair
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October