ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
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Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
dark side of the loom
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.