Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

Potatoes were such a good idea

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.