Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

[Eating canned soup]

OMG I love sodium.

[inventing napkin dispenser]

bob: it has two settings

ceo: ok

bob: one at a time

ceo: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

ceo: first of all i love it

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

ME: *making lightsaber noises*

COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.