@Manda_like_wine
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
@ShortSleeveSuit
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
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@Manda_like_wine
@JPHaddadio
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
@thesqueezysloth
Someone broke into my house and all they stole was my limbo stick. Like, seriously?! How low can you go?
@Artemis_Ascends
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
@daemonic3
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
@VodkaTiem
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
@3sunzzz
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
@causticbob
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
@MarfSalvador
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
@lolacoaster
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor