@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

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@Manda_like_wine

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

@JPHaddadio

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

@thesqueezysloth

Someone broke into my house and all they stole was my limbo stick. Like, seriously?! How low can you go?

@Artemis_Ascends

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

@daemonic3

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

@VodkaTiem

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

@3sunzzz

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

@causticbob

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

@MarfSalvador

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

@lolacoaster

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor