Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
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My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Someone broke into my house and all they stole was my limbo stick. Like, seriously?! How low can you go?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Darth Vader: Luke
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor