I used to pretend that broccoli florets were treetops and I was a giant eating up the forest while my Dad pretended he had a manly son.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
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Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*