ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
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Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Cinematography is my passion
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]