@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

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@trevso_electric

I used to pretend that broccoli florets were treetops and I was a giant eating up the forest while my Dad pretended he had a manly son.

@Book_Krazy

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

@Megatronic13

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

@ArtIsMyPorn

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

@ilovepie84

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

@cydbeer

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

@junejuly12

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

@TheToddWilliams

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

@iwearaonesie

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

@stephenjmolloy

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*