Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?