Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

me: how do you like the future?

lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car

me: what is it?

lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them

Toxic snake

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas

Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame

CEO: I like it

I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.