me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
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me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.