Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

*comes home drunk

*sleeps on floor

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.