Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.