Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
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After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Life is a suicide mission.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.