Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
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The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
finally
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it