Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone really

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?

Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising

Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine