Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?

Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic

Teacher: 😐😐😐

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

Encore…

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

Lmfao

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[Later]

Them: So how did you two meet?

Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it