Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
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My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.