Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

*jazz hands*

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

This is my bus stop.

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?