Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

😭😭😭😭

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.

*pokes sex life with a stick

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.