Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
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Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
🤭😂
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?