Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
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Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”