Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
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You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.