Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

giddy up Office Depot

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

Just did a big green poo by a canal

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”