Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

Bruh 😂

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

Me: you have a bug on your shoulder

Doug: a what?

Me: *clears throat* a boug

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.