Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
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Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up