Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
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me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
This meeting could have been a cake
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.