Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.

Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

The glockness monster

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?