Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
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I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
this will hang in the louvre one day
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.