Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
You Might Also Like
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
im all 3
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I would like even faster food.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*