Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
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Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins