Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me: