Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
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*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?