me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
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Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
A friend helps you before you need it
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5