Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
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why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.