Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
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I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Uh oh…
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Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own