Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
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Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
dead inside
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?