Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
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Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Good morning
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
dude it’s called proctologist
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
🤣
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.