Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
You Might Also Like
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”