Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
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Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Help
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..