Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels