Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
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[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
me logging onto twitter
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something