Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
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Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
He’s dead
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”