Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
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Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.