Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

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He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

friend: thanks for all ur help

me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.