Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
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Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
I Can’t Tonight…
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.