ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
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MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
my proudest tweet
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.