ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
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Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies