Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
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My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
is nasa ok
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
ah yes….my favourite videogame
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name