Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.