Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

live long and prosper!

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”