Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
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When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊