Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

2014: maybe 2015 will be better

2015: maybe 2016 will be better

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

Good point.

next level snooze

Wordle is trying to tell me something

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[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

inside you are two wolves

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”