Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

FRIEND: I miss hugging people

ME: Probably a depth perception issue

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today