Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’

~nervous tics

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies