Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
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As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan