Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel seen.

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.

Every. Damn. Time.

A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

first you must answer his riddles

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.