Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
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Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
sir, my pâté if you please
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying