Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.

The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.