me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
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I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Godspeed, John Glenn
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Stop being racist to kettles.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one