me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
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Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
one week till the election
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Finally a use for spoilers…
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”