Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

Me redecorating every room in my mind

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam

distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?