Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
me working on my assignments ^-^
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true