Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
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Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
This made me smile…
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Not today. 😅
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.