Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
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me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended