Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

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When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.


Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*


One more glass of wine and my “only a lesbian from the waist up” rule is about to go out the window.


It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face


Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.


Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.


Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk


“Which would you like, a piano or a motorcycle?” “Yes.” (Yamaha)


Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”

Me: “Yup.”

Wife: “And you’d even let her use my golf clubs??”

Me: “No silly! She’s left handed.”