Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
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Knock Knock
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Happens to everyone.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.