@TheSharona06

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

You Might Also Like

@Brianhopecomedy

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

@Darlainky

Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*

@Nicoleroxxu

One more glass of wine and my “only a lesbian from the waist up” rule is about to go out the window.

@JasonLastname

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

@Prince_Smarming

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

@ItsAndyRyan

Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

@EndhooS

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

@thesulk

“Which would you like, a piano or a motorcycle?” “Yes.” (Yamaha)

@Reverend_Scott

Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”

Me: “Yup.”

Wife: “And you’d even let her use my golf clubs??”

Me: “No silly! She’s left handed.”