Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths