Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

Others: I run so I can eat pizza

Me: I just…eat pizza

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??

Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one