Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

“One should never name drop”

The Queen told me that

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!