Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

dude it’s called proctologist

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend

dog: cool

god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide

horse: nice

chicken: and what do i get to do?

god: uhhh

chicken: god what do i get to do

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.