Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

[neighborhood meeting]

Me: This is an outrage!

Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–

Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine